Why we can’t be friends.

The continuing saga of why one person in a divorced situation can not be friends with the other one…

So I hesitated to post this because I knew it would be long and that would put the cute pictures of Kyle and Brittany at the bottom, so if you have not seen them make sure you look at them. I wasn’t ready to post Question #2, due to the large response I got last time and I am still thinking about it. So, I thought I would throw in something entertaining for now.

Yesterday I sent over a quick email to D to ask a simple question: (Actual email content, unedited)

Thursday, August 28, 2008 1:06 PM
Because I have the kids tonight you had mentioned taking the kids possibly Friday. Is this correct? If so that would allow me to work late for quarter end and help out here. How late could you watch them?

Also are you still ok with me having the kids on Monday (Sept. 1, Labor Day) that evening for the last of our concerts?

Please let me know as soon as you can so I can make plans.

I got a phone call a little bit later, right in the middle of one of my clients “The Sky Is Falling” moments, so I was very busy and did not have time to “chat”. He asked about Monday and why I was asking, I told him because it was his holiday; he said it was my weekend; I agreed but said but that this was his holiday with the kids. He stated something about how he thought it was dumb that you can have a holiday when it is not your weekend, I said something about that is just how it works sometimes and that it is the state guidelines, this is when he started in on me on how I have to follow the guidelines and not being flexible, In the meantime I have now 4 people standing at my desk trying to get information on the recent issue with the sky and why it was still falling. I tell D I do not have time to go through this with him and tell him a yes he can watch the kids and yes or no I can have the kids on Monday is all I needed. I was being short due to the other issues going on at the time. He replied and we ended the call.

After taking care of the issues at hand I leave work an hour late, pick up Kyle, stop at my mom’s for a quick dinner and head over to the Scera Shell for a Boys II Men concert (that was awesome by the way!!). Kyle loved it, the girls had a blast and I have to put it in my top 5 favorite concerts.

So with the issues at work I knew I would need to log on and check my email when I got home after the concert. So at 11:30ish I got Kyle off to bed, said good night to the girls and wished them luck getting up in the morning for school.

I sit down ready to work and I have this email:

Thursday, August 28, 2008 5:53 PM
Sorry, I guess I should have just replied to your email. I will do that going forward if you prefer if it is better for you.

I still do not understand why we cannot talk in person. Maybe one day you will have to help me understand that.

But, thanks for answering.

And yes, you can also keep the girls on Monday all day, I am ok with that.
D

OK, I don’t know if it was because it was late or because I have just had enough of the whole “I do not understand” bla bla bla… but I replied with the following: (hold on it is long and I am pretty sure at some points I am a bit pissy.) Just to be nice I have replaced names with initials:

Friday, August 29, 2008 1:17 AM
D, I am fine with you calling, I just can’t take the instant preaching to me. Especially when I am at work and really busy I do not have time to spend explaining myself over and over again.

I get it we have a difference of opinion and I have told you, right now I am not ready to be “open” with the schedule especially when you call your at attorney on me when I am not home and make things out to be bigger deals than they are.

I don’t think you appreciate how often I do let you have the kids when I don’t need to or how flexible I really am and I do not appreciate it when you start preaching to me that I want to follow the state guidelines and that you think they are dumb.

I don’t think it is a bad idea to reply to my email instead of calling, because I honestly do not know which D I am going to get from day to day, Tuesday you were nice and pleasant, today you were accusatory and rude, seriously, I have enough of my own mood swings, I don’t need to deal with yours too. I was trying to be nice by asking if you wanted the kids on Friday, I can just as easy work from home and not have you get them. So don’t start in on me that I want to follow guidelines.

I don’t know when you are going to get it that when you are honest with me and forthcoming that you are going to get more out of me than when you preach to me and make me feel like you are belittling me. Need examples:

Today, you jumped right into the I follow guidelines and you are flexible, that put me on the defensive because I know I have allowed you to have the kids when you are not scheduled, I have allowed you to drop them off late.. and when you change plans while you have them I am ok with it, and don’t run to my attorney to complain. I was asking about Labor Day only because I had asked you several months ago if I could have them that evening and I wanted to make sure it was still ok.

I don’t think you know that I do not have to pack ANYTHING for ANY of the kids, so asking me for diapers the way you did was just wrong. You were with me for 13 years dealing with B; did you not pay attention to the crap he tried to pull and what he could not get away with? If you needed some because you were going someplace and you were going to get more later than I would have been fine giving you a few, but not an entire package.

Insurance, I tried to change insurance 3 months ago, you told me to hold off. So I did at your request. To come to me and say TOMORROW I am changing my insurance came as a shock, no notice, nothing, Ok, why not explain why you had changed your mind and needed to do it quickly, I would have understood and no big deal, as it wasn’t a big deal to me at all, I already had several quotes I just needed to talk to DK about the one I got from him. But you made it out that I gave you a letter for extra money because of insurance, um,no! Not that big of a deal, I was already prepared for it and besides DK saved me a ton on home and auto insurance so I was glad to have it taken care of. But honestly, how hard would it have been to say “L I got a ticket and I need to change my insurance right away, are you ok with that?” but you have to make it so weird. Just be honest, it goes farther with me.

CD’s: So I spent ½ hour looking for them last night so I could play the Boy’s to Men CD for the girls, only to find out you took them, could have saved me some time looking if I had known. I wouldn’t have said NO you can’t take them; I would have just liked knowing where they went so I did not have to hunt for them. Just be honest, why is it so hard for you? Then today you make this big deal out of “I will return them ALL” I didn’t care, I just wanted the Boys to Men so I could play it, that was all I asked for, If you could drop off that one at work, but again it became a BIG DEAL over NOTHING.

This is why email for me works better. I think you read way too much into everything. Honestly I am not sitting around thinking up how to piss you off; I just don’t care what you do, when you do it or who you’re doing it with, just as long as you follow the guidelines in the paperwork. If that means I have to be here when you drop off the kids then I will, I guess there is no flexibility when it comes to you either. I am doing my best to get over everything, having you pissed off at me for something gay is just not worth me wasting my energy on, like I am right now.

Seriously D, you were the one that left, you had years to prepare yourself for that decision, I haven’t. So just back off for now, I don’t know how long it is going to take me to open up to you and be more of what you want, if ever, but right now I can’t be that person. Just be a dad to our kids and a friend to A, you were more of a dad to her than her own dad and you walked out on her too, remember that just because she is not in the paperwork she still loved you as much as they do and it hurt her just as much when you left, but I feel like she didn’t matter to you at all. So for now, just be a dad to your kids, pick them up when your suppose to, drop them off when your suppose to and if you need something out side of that shoot me an email, business like, ok, call it what you want, I just don’t need another 4 page email from D telling me how to show my love to my kids, or how I should listen to the spirit or any other church related anything from you. Noting I do or say is going to change how you feel about me or your opinion of me. You are always going to think you are a more nurturing parent and that the “let them be kids” method of parenting is the best way, and my way is controlling. You are always going to believe that you have more of a testimony and have more faith in God than I do, and yet you can commit a sin next to murder and can justify it. You are NOT better than me, and I have NEVER claimed to be better than you, we are just different, I guess you just could not accept that and forcing me to be what you wanted didn’t work. I like who I am now, I am happier and feel better about myself because I am not constantly worried I am doing something wrong or that I need to please someone or that I don’t live up to the your unrealistic expectations of a wife. Instead of being happy with what we have and making the most out of it you found fault in it and had to look for something more… I loved you with all of my heart, and that is all I ever wanted form you, but now things are different and I have to move on and not dwell on what could have been, the only way I can do that is to separate myself from you completely. This is where you are going to jump to the black and white world and the world of all or nothing… just because I say this dose not mean I won’t call you if I need to talk to you, or ask you if you can watch the kids for me, or talk to you nicely when you drop the kids off or pick them up, it just means I can’t do more than that. Show me some respect when it comes to visitation and the schedule or anything else with the kids, and I will do the same. Like I said, just be honest and forthcoming and I will be a whole lot more willing to help out where I can.


Oh- and when it comes to my Blog, feel free to continue to read it when ever. That is me, I am not hiding anything, you may see things differently, but in the end I tend to write very factually and not elaborate much. I write to share my feelings and frustrations with friends and family and anyone else that what’s to read it. I do not look for pitty, and if I do something wrong I will admit it, like I did when I called you a freaking idiot. The difference here between us is that I am writing to get over issues, to share with friends and get their opinion, and the email or phone calls I get regarding a post may not be along the same lines and the comments that get posted. But it helps me get off my chest what ever is bugging me at the time and then I put it behind me as well as I can. I am just venting to friends, but it feels like you are trying to build a case when I hear that you called you attorney because I was not home when you dropped off the kids, what are you building a case for? Why would a call to your attorney be who you turn to? That is the difference between us, I want to move on and I see you building a case for the future to pull some crap like B. How is that suppose to make me feel? Well it makes me feel like I can not trust you, and that I better do exactly as the paperwork outlines or your going to make another call.

So when you ask me why we can’t be friends, here is my honest answer: D I can’t be your friend because I want friends who are honest with me, who can talk openly with me with out trying to deceive me with half truths. I want friends that accept me for who I am; faults and all. I want people around me that lift me up, make me feel good about who I am and point out my strengths and help with my weaknesses, not look down on me because I have them. I want friends who teach me to be better by their example, not preach to me about not being good enough.

So when you feel you fit this expectation of a friend, let me know, I will consider it. But until then the only thing you and I have in common is our kids. We both want what is best for them, but even that is different between us.

Oh- and don’t be surprised if you see this on my blog, this would make a great post and I haven’t put anything out there for a few days. And I would love to see what other people think.

L

At least I warned him that I might post this email on my blog, so it shouldn’t be a shock when he reads it, right? Do you think I was too hard? Maybe I should refrain from writing email to him after midnight, ok maybe it is ok to write it, just not hit send. The sad thing is that after I wrote this I still ended up working for about another hour to help with the falling sky issues for my customer.