It has come to my attention that there are people who I grew to love over the past 13 years that have turned their backs to me and feel hard feelings towards me. This has really upset me. I feel that there are two sides to every story and mine has not been heard. I have nothing to hide and I have the right to tell my side.
So, lets start from the beginning, this could be long, so curl up with some milk and cookies.
I had been divorced for 1 ½ years when I started to date Donovan. Our first date was about a week or two after his divorce was final, on Friday March 17, 1995, St Patrick’s Day (see time-line for breakdown of dates). Prior to that we were only casual friends at work, we were not in the same department, so a passing hi in the hall was usually the majority of our conversations. We dated for only a few weeks when we decided to get married and went to purchase rings. We were married civilly on May 1, 1995.
I can honestly say the first few years of our marriage were the happiest years of my life, so far. I felt so blessed to be married to someone as incredible as Donovan. With in 3 months of getting married we were expecting our first child. We also started building what was to be our first home, things were wonderful.
We moved into our house in the spring and Courtney was born that summer on July 7, 1996. Life was busy at work, so Donovan didn’t take his paternity leave and spent little time with us. But I understood that he was needed. I returned to work after 8 weeks off.
When we were married for a year we started working to get our temple sealing. Donovan had to be released from his first LDS Temple marriage before we could proceed, and I let him handle the paperwork, I knew it had to be a difficult thing to do.
Fast forward to 1998, I am pregnant with our second daughter and we get approval for our sealing and we are sealed together in February 28, 1998. Alexis and Courtney were brought into the sealing room and Courtney was sealed to us and we were given time to be together as a family in the sealing room. It was an overwhelming day, I could not believe I was married to a man that wanted to be with me for all time and eternity, I felt lucky, it was a day that I held precious.
Brittany was born on June 15, 1998.
With in 3 months of her birth Donovan started to spend a lot of time with a girl in the ward that was married and had two kids. Her name was Kerri, and at the time I considered her a friend; we had dinner at each others home, our kids played together, etc. Donovan and Karri were on the ward co-ed volleyball team, and would often spend hours “talking” after each game. This developed into something more, I am aware of one time that Donovan took time off work during fall UEA school break to “be home with the kids” but it was so he and Kerri could spend time together. I could feel Donovan pulling away from me, we had a newborn and I needed him to be there, he was rarely home between church callings, work, helping his family and Kerri. I started to struggle with going to church; Donovan and Kerri taught the same age group and would often combine their classes. I attended their class one time and got upset at how they acted towards each other, openly flirting, hugging and the way they looked at each other in front of the kids in the class really upset me. One Sunday before church I confronted Donovan about his feelings for her, he told me that he loved her and that they had made plans to be together. I quickly jumped into my jeep and drove to her house a street over. She came running out as I pulled up, begging me not to say anything to her husband. Then she started to rattle off what had been happening between her and my husband. That was when she said something that to this day is a clear as the day she said it “we didn’t have sex, we only kissed and stuff, I stopped him before it ever got that far…” I didn’t need to hear that, but there it was. I spoke to the Bishop that day before church even started. Donovan was released from his calling and he never talked to me about it. We went to a few sessions of counseling, of the 5 appointments he showed up for 2 or 3. Donovan just put it behind him and moved on; it took me years to get over it. Not a day went by that I did not feel the pain of that betrayal.
I honestly never felt that Donovan was truly sorry for his actions, and what it did to me, but we never talked about it. Then again we never talked about anything. Not what we wanted to do in our future, not about the news or work or anything with any depth. Surface talk about the kids or something that happened, but nothing more. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk, I tried, he was either not home or busy. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk because he found time to talk to lots of (female) people. Like Amy or Julie from work, Lisa from school, and later Brenda his admin. I would try to see if he would go out to dinner or a movie, he was to busy, and when he did agree to go out he would invite his brother to join us, we never went alone. I would get hotel rooms to get away, he would come home late, no time for dinner, just time to go to bed, long day tomorrow… or what ever the excuse was.
I struggled with the fact that Donovan’s family was such a huge priority in his life, even over his own family. He would drop everything to help them, but rarely did he do that for us. Don’t get me wrong, I loved to spend time with his family. I planned get-togethers and parties all of the time. They were a lot of fun. The problem came that after I prepared for a party, the food, setting up, what ever it took, and when his family arrived I was ignored. I felt more alone when I was with him than I ever did when no one was home. I often would just leave and go to my room, not that anyone would even notice. I left Thanksgiving Dinner with his family once after an argument over sour cream that Donovan and I had. I know dumb hu, but I had cut up vegetables all morning and helped the kids get ready, and drove to the church where dinner was being held, while he played golf with his family, only to have him complain about the type of sour cream I used, not even a thank you for everything, nothing, it hurt my feelings how he talked down to me around his family. My daughter noticed after everyone started eating that I was not there. It was her that called and questioned why I left, not Donovan, and when he came home that evening, it was like nothing happened. It was never discussed.
Years passed, I continued to try to be part of his life, but I never felt good enough. In 13 years of marriage the only complement I received was that the house looked nice. Not that I looked nice, or that I was pretty. Not only did I struggle with my self esteem, but I also struggled with the gospel. I had a hard time attending church with someone who was perceived as an incredible man to everyone else, but was not truly that person to me. On the outside we came across as the perfect couple, but in reality I was having a difficult time. I just wanted him to pay attention to me, to care about me, to talk to me the way he did everyone around me. Despite how I felt, I still loved him and I made a commitment to him and that would not change.
As time passed I new I had to put these hard feeling aside. I let go of the pain of the affair and worked to improve our relationship. As I felt things starting to improve I suggested we try to have another baby as he had said he wanted. After several months we were expecting our third child.
Kyle was born on August 15, 2006. Donovan had said that I should quit the job I had for 16 years and stay home. I was so happy. I felt like I did the first few years we were married. Kyle was not gaining weight at a normal rate and because it was fall/winter I was advised to wait till spring to take him out in public to reduce his chance of catching RSV (a repertory infection that can be very harmful for infants). I was lonely, and I wanted attention, but Donovan got busy at work and was rarely home again. As spring came around and I returned to church it felt good to be able to get out and do things, I looked forward to spending time with the girls during the summer. But then Donovan started to pull away again.
Donovan was the young men’s president and in June he left for youth conference that was held the same weekend as my birthday. When he returned he didn’t even acknowledge it. That hurt. He spent a lot of time away from home, in the mean time the kids and I planned movies, trips to the zoo, and other activities.
I noticed that he was not just pulling away from me but the kids too. They took golf lessons and asked their dad to work with them on their swing, or to take them golfing with their free golf pass, but he was too busy. Donovan found time to golf with friends and family, time to go biking with coworkers and alone, but to busy for the kids and I.
Things were not adding up, Donovan spent a lot of time on the phone, outside or in his truck when he was home then cam July 4th weekend. Donovan told me that he no longer loved me and that he just couldn’t do it anymore. He had tried to hard over the years, but had not loved me for the past 10 years and he was tired of trying to love some one like me. I asked if there was someone else, he said no, I asked if he wanted to get counseling or help to work through this. In my opinion if there wasn’t anyone else then there was no reason to give up with out help, we had a family, a son not even a year old, an eternal family, not something that you cast aside without every effort to save. But he said he couldn’t, he was too tired of trying… trying when? He never asked me out, he never sat down next to me to talk, he didn’t bend over backwards for me… it didn’t add up. Later that weekend I went looking for him while we were at his sister’s house and found him in the back yard around the house alone on the phone. He was laughing and having a great conversation, until he saw me, the tone changed and he told be it was business… it’s Sunday… business can wait, your with family. But I recognized the voice on the other end. It was then that I knew there was more to this conversation than business.
My suspicion was confirmed when I went to his work at lunch later that month. I waited in the parking lot for him to return from lunch, I waited for over 3 hours. When he arrived he pulled in and was with her, Michelle, a married woman that worked for Donovan. As soon as she saw me she took off running to her car, Donovan walked up as if nothing was wrong and announced that he had a meeting to go to. I told him he should cancel it, he had a family emergency.
Over the next few weeks he told me that Michelle and he had a spiritual connection that he never got from me, that they had had sex more times than he could remember (because he was not keeping track) and that I could never understand what he was going through, because our marriage was so difficult and he finally found someone who truly loved him.
With this information I told him that if wanted a divorce that he needed to file, I did not feel that it was the right thing to do. I also told him I would not kick him out, he needed to leave on his own and when that time came HE would need to be the one to explain to the girls why he was leaving. I told him that I would go to counseling and whatever it took to repair our marriage. When I prayed about staying I always received a comfort that our family was eternal, and I held onto that.
Sometime in August a knock came to my door, not someone I expected, it was Michelle’s husband. He walked in handed me a book, The Peacegiver: How Christ Offers to Heal Our Hearts and Homes, and tells me he is sorry and asks for my forgiveness… WHAT? He goes on to tell me that if he would have been a better husband than Michelle would not have turned to Donovan and then he asked if he could bare my burdens of this trial in my life. Again WHAT? Here my husband has caused this, Donovan should be begging for this man’s forgiveness, not the other way around. We spoke for a while about the situation and when he left he told me that he was going to go see Donovan and talk to him.
Later that evening when Donovan told me that Jim cam by to see him I asked how he felt about it. He said “I thought he was pathetic” I was shocked by this response. Donovan’s demeanor was dark and the feeling I had talking to him was cold and hard. I did not like it at all.
Months went by, we started counseling, things were odd, different. He had told me that he was no longer seeing Michelle, even though they worked together and sat near each other. In November we went to Thanksgiving in St George with his family. The trip was fun, despite the fact that we were counseled to put our issues aside and focus on the kids, Donovan focused on his family as usual.
A week later Donovan called from work to tell me he was on his way home, I held dinner for him and told him we would be waiting. I received another call about 20 minutes later. Donovan said “you probably don’t want me to come home tonight” then proceeded to tell me that he was kissing Michelle in the parking lot when her husband approached them. I told him that he was probably right, that he had 30 minutes to get what he needed and to tell the kids he would not be staying at the house. He came home, packed and talked to the kids and left.
When we spoke the next day I told him he could return home any time he wanted, but that he would need to make a commitment to me and the family. That he needed to be sure that we were what he wanted. He never returned.
Donovan filed for divorce in January, the week following his church court.
I don’t know if it was his stress coming to an end by filing or what it was but after that Donovan changed. He changed back into the guy I fell in love with. He started to call for no reason, texting me throughout the day, he’d ask me to lunch, tell me I looked nice, complement me. He would come over and play with the kids on the floor or in the yard. He was flirty and fun to be around, we would laugh and talk about anything. Why would we get a divorce when this was what our relationship was capable of? I loved this man, despite all the pain I had felt and I wanted our marriage to be strong and happy, and I knew it could, we just never put time into each other before.
Dispite how well we were getting along the divorce proceedings continued. In March we took the state required Parenting Class for divorcing couples and set a date for mediation. Donovan delivered the first set of divorce papers. I cried, a lot, but that was nothing new. One morning I had a weird feeling; something was wrong, really wrong. I pulled out a pregnancy test left over from before Kyle and sure enough it was positive. I have never cried so hard in my life! Kyle even made fun of me, he grabbed a bunch of toilet paper and pretended to cry, silly kid, I just grabbed him and hugged him and told him how lucky I was to have him. He made me laugh for just a moment, long enough for me to catch my breath and call Donovan.
When I told Donovan I was upset and worried about what he would say. I knew what it was going to be, I had heard it before. Sure enough, he said it again. “This doesn’t change anything Lore; I can’t be married to you.” There was something missing, love, compassion, concern, something that to this day I can not put my finger on, but in that moment every ounce of hope, of love, of compassion I felt for him was gone. I felt nothing, nothing. I didn’t feel sorry for him, or hate or anything… there was nothing, an absence of feeling, it scares me to this day that I feel absolutely NOTHING for him. It is hard to explain how I went from a deep love to this, only that it must have been a way to cover all of the pain I had been feeling.
I think it is sad. I know in my heart that we could have been good with each other, but we did not try. I don’t feel that I am blameless in the way this marriage turned out, I am not perfect, but I was in the same marriage he was and I never felt the need to turn to another person to find happiness. I made a commitment to him for time and all eternity, I did everything I could to hold onto that. I put his transgressions aside to work through our marriage, and in the end he chose to end it. I do not have to live with that decision, only the consequences of it. I feel bad for my children that live with the pain of a split home, and they do feel that pain despite how they appear. I feel sorry for my unborn child that will be born into this environment; that is not how families should be.
To end, I hope Donovan is happy, that he feels that he made the right decision and that someday he finds that perfect person he is looking for.
As a side note, Kerri stayed with her husband and moved out of the state, and I hear that Michelle is with her husband too, I guess that spiritual connection thing didn’t work out.
The Time Line
First Date: March 17, 1995
Married: May 1, 1995
First Baby: July 7, 1996
Sealed: February 28, 1998
Second Baby: June 15, 1998
First Affair: September 1998
Third Baby: August 14, 2006
Second Affair: June 2007
Moved Out: November 2007
Divorce Final: May 1, 2008
Fourth Child: Due November
Have you ever had one of those vacations were you go and just relax. No major running around all over or stressing out about missing something. For example, Disneyland may be fun but it is stressful; first you have to get there, park, then you have long lines and scheduling show times, again fun, but stressful. This year I had one of those just go and relax vacations.
On Thursday we enjoyed a day of just hanging out at the cabin. The girls (Courtney, Brittany and Morgan) played Rock Band on the Wii, the boys (Mason and Zachary) played Halo, and Kyle and little Elijah just hung out.
The kids also tried to build a fort with left over wood from the cabin, but ended up with just a large frame. They all had a good time getting to know each other better. I don’t think my mom, Sarah or I actually got out of our PJ’s that day at all.
Sunday we cleaned up the cabin and packed up. But before we headed out of town we went on fun drive and then a great hike. Our hike ended at Bloomington Lake, a glacier-fed mountain lake surrounded by limestone cliffs, it was breathtaking… or was that from being pregnant and going on a hike? Kyle took time to throw a few rocks, Brittany freaked out at the bugs that were flying around her, and Alexis and Courtney went exploring. It was a great way to end a perfect trip. After cleaning up the last bit at the cabin we were off. We made a stop at Sarah and 
Boyd house for a quick potty break and to transfer a few items from the boat to the Tahoe. That was when Sarah discovered that her basement had flooded. Not a good way to end a trip (They ended up cleaning all of the carpet, and removing, and replacing the pad.) 
Thank you Simkins Family!
