Today I read two blogs that touched my heart and have me truly appreciating my children. The first is the one many of you may have visited; I have a link to the Countdown to Homecoming Blog at the top of my page. Brent and Lori’s Blog has captured the attention of so many people with their trials and struggles of adopting two children from Haiti.
The second one I came across today; The Staker family. I was reading through the updates on the Blogs I follow and when I read the entry is was short and simple, asking for support and prayers for a friend, I was directed to a link to another that was chronicling the recent events in their life regarding a tragedy involving their son.
As I sat reading with tears streaming down my face the image of my two young boys in a similar situation washed over me… how awful it would be to have anything to happen to them, or any of my children. I am so truly blessed to have them in my life.
It was after the wave of emotions washed over me, and I dried up all the tears and touched up my makeup that the last wave of emotion hit me... Anger!
I hate the fact that I have to “split” my time with their dad...not knowing what is happening to them, are they ok, do they need anything, are they eating, etc, etc, etc. I really hate not having them around on the weekends that they are gone.
More Anger!
I have FIVE children, FIVE… Each of those amazing five kids has a dad… so why is it that of the 5 kids only four spend time with their dad?
Sure she is a teenager, has a life of her own, and all of the attitude that comes with the age, but how do you just turn your back? So you did not have to struggle and wait 2 years to get her from another country; you wanted to start a family and it started with her. Pray tragedy never has to hit before you appreciate the life that she is.
How do you just turn your back on her? An earthquake rocked the world of a little boy for Brent and Lori and they took drastic measures to save him, to bring him home. The Staker family is holding on to every ounce of hope that their son will recover; regretting the moment their back was turned, for just a brief moment.
Don’t try to excuse your behavior or blame it on her for your lack of a relationship, for your inability to communicate with her or because you have lost touch with whom she is. You are the adult. She is that precious little girl that you held in your arms and wanted to protect as a small child. Only the outside has changed. She is still the same precious child who needs to be protected; longs to be acknowledged, loved and admired.
How do you turn your back? Is it pride? Arrogance?
Is it too difficult to pick up a phone and call, and when that fails, call again and again and NOT give up because YOU’RE the adult? You are the one that has to PROVE you love her. That YOUR world would be rocked if anything happened to her! YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO PROVE! Not her!
Tonight I am going to be giving ALL of my kids a big hug tonight. I am thankful that they have been given to me to watch over. Thankful that I have moments like today to realize that every day I have with them is precious.
I won’t turn my back.
18 comments:
hmmm, maybe turning your back is better than ambushing your teen in a cabin with real dad and a step dad that hasn't acknowledged she exists since divorcing her mother and expecting her to be happy about it and feel loved. NOT. I am just saying some things are more damaging than ignoring a child.
But I do agree with you Lore, life is short hold are children close and treasure our moments even if others don't.
Lore, I found your blog thru the friend of a friend. It's interesting to peer into other people's lives from time to time, but I usually don't comment. So anyway, here's my unasked for opinion...
It's surprising that you're angry your 4 children's father actually takes time to be present in their lives. I know single moms who would kill for that. It must be hard to have them away, but at least they get a dad in their lives on a consistent basis...that's a blessing.
My heart aches for your oldest daughter, but maybe you're pushing too hard? It really may be best for her to choose whether or not she wants her dad in her life at this point. That relationship may not develop until she's an adult and she decides he's worth pursuing a relationship with. It's sad, but maybe for the best.
I hesitate to make the next comment, but I think I'll brave the wrath of your good friends and just say it. I notice you've blogged about this topic before. Shaming the men in your daughter's life doesn't seem to be helping them act differently. I just have to wonder if your public bitterness/anger (justified or not) is really helpful to your daughter as she tries to work through her own feelings. Just a thought, not a judgment. It's obvious you love your children.
Anonymous,
Thank you for braving my friends and leaving your comment. I appreciate that you would take the time to provide your opinion; when many readers may have one, but never express it.
I want to take a brief moment to clarify myself, just in case others may have read this post and had the same reaction as you did.
First, my feelings of anger regarding my ex taking his four children is not with him, as it is with fact that my children and I are in a situation that our time is split between us because of the choices that were made that impacted our lives into that direction. I am thankful that he is spending time with them and I do pray that as they get older he continues to have a relationship with them.
Second, my oldest is a typical teen who enjoys chatting with friends on Facebook and texting boys and she has the appearance of a strong and tough teen, but inside she is just that, a teen; unsure, insecure and longing to be accepted. I am not pushing her to have a relationship with the men in her life, believe me if they made an honest effort to show her that they care there would be no pushing needed- it is what she truly wants.
Expressing my views on the matter publically is my way of dealing with the hurt I feel for her in this situation, call it bitterness or anger, but I call it pain. I wish I could help her, to fix this, as a mom that is natural to want to do that, but my hands are tied. So I vent in my Blog.
Apparently you have been reading for some time if you can recall that I have posted past blogs on this subject, because it has been a while since I have touched this subject, or any subject regarding non-custodial parenting, and believe me I have had many an opportunity to post a few that would make your head spin. I hope that the insight into my life helps you in some small way, even if it is to just be able to say “I am glad I am not her!”
You are correct I love my children very much. They are everything to me and are a very important part of my life, as a single mom I do my best to balance their needs, my job and other responsibilities evenly so that they never have to question if I love them. In addition to me telling them, my actions show them. I guess that is just too much to ask of some parents, if you feel that I am “shaming” them to step up, then may answer to that is, I think you must first be able to feel shame.
Oh- and as a side note to that I found it interesting that you said “Shaming the men…” plural, meaning both “dad’s”, interesting. I am an open book; I have nothing to hide, apparently when I write it is easy to read between the lines- and I am fine with that.
Thank you again for leaving a comment. Your always welcome.
This is not about shaming men. It is about Alex a wonderful, bright, and beautiful lady. Having an opportunity of spending some quality time with this young lady; I can’t really understand to why this would be an issue for either of these men. Yes, men because one is in her life my birth and the other by chose. They both know of the commitment and responsibility that she would take and need in her life not years life. And yet everyday make a decisions concisely to choose not to participate in a life of a wonderful lady. As begin a step parent myself and not my chose having that taken away it was a lost that I can’t even begin to put into words.
It is so sad to me that she could have this twice over and yet either one wants to choose to be a grown up and that the bull by the horns. Take the facts of the situation that my friend has stated and that is simple; what the facts are. To have just one of them say here I’m I love you and take Miss Alex away in the sun set for a life time. Because in the end we are all little girls at heart where we need a Dad or as the case Dads love in the world today. To be proud of us to love us, to give us the soft place to land in this world to be safe to be loved. That is all my friend wants for her amazing daughter. That fact is there are two that should be giving and not a one is. That is the wrath from this friend.
You seem to put a lot of energy into blaming your two ex's. What did you contribute to that happening and what are you contributing to your oldest not having a relationship with her father?
If you can stand blameless before God then their actions will be dealt with by Him.
If you are doing EVERYTHING you can to foster a healthy relationship between your oldest and her Dad then you should hold your head high. If you are engaging in undermining behavior that encourages so much negativity then you are no better than he is.
Writing nasty things about your ex's on your blog for all of your children to see will never make any of them healthier. Writing about how awful they are isn't allowing you to become your best self because you are drowning in self pity and not taking responsiblity for anything.
This is the reson Christ is the judge, only He knows everything about us. So don't put your ex's in the public square...it will never make you more beautiful. There is ONE who knows the whole story and will take care of everything so you should concentrate on your repentence and let them concentrate on theirs...or not. The truth always trumps in the end.
Anonymous #2,
Did you ask what I did to contribute to my ex's being my ex's, well apparently my contribution was falling in love with men who felt that sleeping around was acceptable while you are married. And your second question, what am I contributing to my child not having a relationship with her father, I have a feeling that even if I told you that you would not believe me, you have already judged me as the type that is sitting back telling my daughter only negative things about her dad and encouraging her NOT to see him. The truth is quite the opposite.
I agree with you, God is the only judge that matters, and that we are all accountable for our own actions in HIS eyes and HIS eyes only. I do not sit back and judge others, I simply question their actions- especially when it comes to hurting my children. Can you say that?
I am interested in what you think I NEED to be doing in foster a healthy relationship between my oldest and her father... call him and hand her the phone, drive her to his house and kick her out, force him to tell her that he loves her.. what do you suggest, how do you MAKE someone show their child that they care?
I am interested in knowing how long you have been reading my blog for you to imply that I have dedicated my blog to doing nothing other than writing "nasty things" about my ex's. Take another look, you will need to go back over half a year to even find post that I am talking about either of them in a "nasty" way- and when you find it you will see that once again I am simply questioning their actions when it comes to caring for their children.
It is apparent that you do not know me, because if you knew me you would know that the last thing I am doing on any given day is " drowning in self pity and not taking responsibility for anything" in one of my more controversial blogs you will find that I actually state that "I don’t feel that I am blameless..." I have no problem in taking responsibility for my actions and as I have said on numerous occasions I have nothing to hide, and if my ex's want to rebut anything that I say they are just as welcome to leave a comment as you are "Anonymous". They have the same rights in this country to start their own blog and chronicle their lives. And if they have something negative to say about how I am raising their children then at least I would know where to improve in their eyes regarding that, and it would open communication about it... because sitting back and judging gets you nowhere.
Wow, look what you miss when you are the first to comment.
Anonymous 1, I don't think your post really risks "the wrath", lol. You have an honest opinion and ask honest questions. The sad thing about divorce is truly no one wins, everyone looses and that doesn't change. I have adult step children and it never ends, the divorce still causes conflicts. I honestly feel Lore does not write her blog for her ex's she writes it for herself, a journal, a purge of the nastiness at times, and a celebration of life even in the hard times. Life isn't always pretty and I find Lore's honesty about her life refreshing and enviable. I think Lore is grateful that DB takes the 4 kids on a regular basis, but he does have more custody visitation than most ex's in his position and as a Mom of course she misses her children and worries about them, who wouldn't? Just as added info I have found Lore to be far far more supportive about Alexis spending time with her father than I think I would be in the same situation. She has always left it up to Alexis and been supportive of what decisions she makes. She can't fix that situation, it is something ex#1 needs to want fixed, and someday maybe he will.
Anonymous #2
Wow, your on a tizzy aren't you, wouldn't be by chance married to ex #1? Certainly would hate to have it out in public that he cheated on Lore with you before you married ex #1. Just saying.
If it isn't, oh well. I still find the comments you have made humorous in the fact you sure are capable of judging. I think Lore has a healthy balance of truth with her children. She answers their questions honestly and the truth isn't always pretty. She doesn't dwell on it, she doesn't vent to her children. She is supportive and tries to help them to grow into healthy adults capable of healthy relationships. If the ex's and children read her blog they will read honest emotion and honest statements, how is that harmful? I know for a fact that not having that balance is more harmful. Lore's children will grow up knowing people aren't perfect but you love them anyway, what greater gift can you give children than an acceptance of others. But to balance that they will also be women that respect themselves and demand that respect from their future spouses.
From Anonymous #2 to Lore and Ridgeways.
You have severely misunderstood. There was no judgement in my note. If you are blameless you are blameless.
I saw your blog from a friend of your friends.
It incited a lot of anger...not intended on my part. I was an outside observer. Your writing sent a message and clearly I have misunderstood your writing.
I agree with the other two anonymous posters and I think you are missing their point. Why do you think this is the right forum to air your dirty laundry? The other parent is never perfect. You aren't perfect in their eyes either. Is this something that we should allow our children to see or would it be more advantageous to vent over a bowl of ice cream to an obviously willing friend? Perhaps it may even be more suitable to contact the parent in question and talk about what may be the best thing to do for your child??? It is your job to encourage your child to continue a relationship with her father. It is your job to encourage your child spend time with her father. You are also the adult and you are the one that have the most control over what that child does. It is very bad taste to bash either of your ex's on your blog, a blog that is open for anyone, even your children, to see. I also think it is very poor taste to mention that the reason that both relationships are over is because of infidelity. You do understand that you children may read this post and you do understand that because of the mom/kid relationship that there is a very large chance that those words, no matter how true they are, are going to have an affect on those kids, and it should not have been any of their business. They didn't choose this life. They wanted a mom and a dad that loved them and loved each other, they don't need to continually hear how horrible the other parent is. Let them make their own decisions and don't sway them in anyway with your blogs and your words. My guess is that you don't have to write those things down for them to know the pain your ex has put you through, my guess is that you've had similar conversations with your children. How is this helping them? Kids need to know that their moms love them, that their dad loves them and that everything is going to be okay. They don't need to hear that you are afraid that they aren't fed, that you are afraid that they aren't taken care of, that their father cheated on you, that you are still angry after (what I would guess was a long time ago) so many years, they don't need to hear that their dad is a dead beat. They also don't need to hear from your peanut gallery, The Ridgeways, things that are obviously upsetting to you, her and probably your kids. Just my two cents.
Anonymous #3,
Sorry we seem to be dense and missing your point. However I feel I got it perfectly. You are the type of person who coats a shiny happy glaze on the yucky side of life or flat out ignores the bad. While that certainly is an approach to life it is not one that everyone agrees with. Blogs are whatever people want to make them, there is not a rule book on what can or cannot be placed on one, gotta love America. If you find Lore's airing of dirty laundry offensive, don't read, however, over 12,000 hits show others don't find it offensive and find it refreshing. Lore does encourage her children to have relationships with their fathers. However as Alexis is 17 and practically an adult and makes her own decisions, and I support Lore in that. What better time to teach her to make her own decisions than now.
Your right infidelity isn't pretty, but it happened. You must feel it fine to lie and hide things from your children, family and friends, but I find honesty a much better approach. Granted their is a time and an age, but I feel Lore handles that well. Better to raise children who know that people make mistakes, mistakes that effect other people, but you move on. Your guesses into how Lore raises her children are also wrong. I also assume from some of your comments you also find me offensive. Oh well, don't really care. Oh and Lore's blog is not "upsetting to me" however narrow minded folk like your self are a bit annoying. But lucky for you, a blog can be what it becomes and your post will stay for all to see.
I certainly do not coats a shiny happy glaze on the yucky side of life and flat out ignores the bad. I also went through a very messy divorce and was very honest with my children on the things that directly affected their lives. I never once let them think that I thought there father was the enormous piece of crap that, at the time, I thought he was. They were experiencing enough pain caused by the divorce already. Why would I add insult to injury? Even now, 10 years later, he does boneheaded things to me, to his kids, to his wife and just in general but I have to continue to encourage my children to have a loving relationship. I also encourage them to have a relationship with their step mom, whom I have zero respect or love for. It is what we do as divorced parents. It's not fun but it's not really about us. We are in charge of raising these kids together and we might as well make the best of it. NO MATTER WHAT. One of the worst things you can do when you get a divorce is to talk poorly about the other parent to the children. It's not lying, it's none of their, the children's, business. It's hard enough that they don't get both parents in the home why would you want to make it worse by bashing, yes, it's bashing, the other parent. Nothing positive will ever come out of it. They even have a class that you are required to take that tells you just that. Kids don't need to know that their parents aren't perfect and hurt the other parent. Kids don't need to hear anything bad about the other parent and they also don't need to hear how horrible that other parent is. If Lore has an issue with either one of her exes she should probably pick up the phone and talk to them like an adult. Not post it where her kids can see it, It poisons them and hurts them in the long run. I'm not guessing how Lore is raising her kids. I'm commenting on a post that bashes her children's fathers in a place that you, I, them and her children can read it. This is damaging to them and hurtful to the exes and also damaging to whatever adult relationship she is going to have while parenting all those kids.
And by adult relationship I meant the relationship that she's going to have with ex number 1 and 2 going forward.
So why does Lore need a relationship with her ex? If your inferring the ex's should be polite and have a conversation regarding children when necessary but nothing further, than I agree. But anything beyond that really isn't necessary.
You know, I went back and read Lore's original post, and I can't help but feel others are putting words in her mouth. Which is understandable in a way, divorce is trauma and evokes strong emotions which is easy to infer more than what was said just from that strong emotion, because honestly what is so terrible about a Mom worrying about her children when they are away, and what is so terrible about a Mom that wishes her child had a relationship with one of her fathers. Just like any relationship it takes two and Lore can't wave a magic wand and make something happen she doesn't have control of.
I also 100% disagree with your stance on divorce. My husband held fast and true to your stance for years during a bitter nasty divorce and the years that followed. He would not comment or defend himself in anyway in regards to the happenings to his children, he held firm and fast to the rules set out in that infamous class. Meanwhile his ex was verbose to the point when she ran out of truths she made up things and I honestly think she has told them to herself and others so often she now believes them. What is sad is his children's relationship will always be damaged by that. How much better would it have been than as a loving father to say at the time, that their mom was angry and hurt and not all the things she said were true and that there are always two sides to a story. Helped them to see the two sides and helped them to become better people and have better relationships in the future. I feel the job of a parent is not to hide things from your children but to enable them to make wise choices and see the issues from both sides, not just your own.
Anonymous #1 here...
Lore, I'm truly glad my earlier comment didn't offend you, or anyone else who follows your blog. I would never intentionally offend. With that in mind, please try and understand where my next comment is coming from.
The reason I chose to post a comment in the first place--without knowing you or your family--is because I do have an opinion about how what you write affects your children.
I believe children have a right to the truth in a divorce. The only problem is, there's always three versions of the truth: your version, your ex's version, and THE TRUTH. Whatever you write is always going to be affected by what you think and feel...it's never simply "the truth".
My real concern is that what you write will eventually affect your relationship with your children. Whatever the truth may be, and however difficult/strained your children's relationship may be with your ex's, probably they love their dads very much.
When I was young, my dad was unfaithful to my mom. They didn't divorce, but his actions had an enormous impact on all of us. The thing is, no matter what my dad did, I loved him. It would have killed me inside to hear ANYONE say things against him...even if I knew in my heart they were true. It especially would have hurt coming from my mom. We all knew she was in pain and living thru her own hell. We were too. I'm sure there were times she would have LOVED to vent to the world.
The thing is, it doesn't help everyone affected by your divorces to hear some of the things you write about. It may feel better to you, but at some point, no matter how great your relationship is with your children, they may come to resent the things you've said about their fathers. Your blog isn't private. You mention names. Not only are your children able to see your frustration and pain in print, it's there for their friends and the whole world to see. Everyone has access to the mistakes and behavior of their dads (as seen thru your eyes).
I would have hated to see blog posts about my dad's hurtful behavior in print; especially knowing that anyone in the world had access to it. Regardless of the truth, it would have hurt.
I'm sure your children are well aware of things that are going on, and hopefully both parents are doing everything possible to love them and help them heal.
Just be aware that everything you post has the potential of being a source of contention. Not only between you and your ex's, and your children and their dads, but between you and your children as well.
Yes, blogs are a wonderful thing and you definitely have the right to say pretty much anything you want. But I go back to my original question: does it really help your oldest daughter (Alexis?) or any of your kids to see your pain shared in such a public way?
You love your kids. Protect them then. Not from the truth, but from posts that may be painful or embarrassing to them later in their lives (or even now). No one questions it is your privilege to share your side of the story, but sometimes there are simply topics that do not need to be shared with the general public.
Good luck to you and your kids as you work through your pain. It's nice that you have supportive friends and family to rely on.
Lore...all you need to say is hi to Heidi...it's not anonymous! really reading between the lines is easy if you are in the middle of the road
hmm, don't know if your posts are more fun or all the comments they invoke! :) I love reading it since you live so far away and seeing the cute pictures of your awesome kids! I could give advice too, as a child of divorce, but everyone's experience is different. You rock! :) love ya, my friend.
It has been a while since I have joined in on your blog Lore and perhaps have missed so much. I don't know what lead me to read today but was taken back by everything. I see valid points across so many levels of your position as well as those that are against it. One thing that I had to keep asking myself is at what point did this become about those involved in the responses to the blog. I am sure that great intentions are meant on all sides. Ultimately, where is forgiveness in all of this? Facts... or alleged facts are being hewn from "Anonymous" and rebuttals are being returned from supporting friends with accusatory stances. Sounds like the spirit of contention's silken cords have entwined many as they feel justified in finding fault in others. I commend you on your graciousness, demeanor, and candor in allowing others to freely express their opinions… and by your willingness to return comment on such a sensitive topic.
I truly feel your pain for these unfortunate circumstances. I know it is not easy to live on the short end of the circumstances. I do believe that forgiveness is a process of faith unto an understanding of the atonement. Please do not misunderstand my intended remarks... take them for face value as no blame, nor shame, is resulting in excuses.
A side note... having studied Human Growth and Development, studies have shown that children who have lived in a split family have grown to resent the parent that they feel is most likely the culprit leading to the split in the family. If your daughter is not wishing to have a relationship at this time with her father, that is a part of her agency that she needs to have. Unfortunately, if it is her father not wanting to have the relationship that she is yearning for, then it is inevitably going to be to the detriment of a future relationship... which will cause her the unfortunate pains in her life that any caring parent would undoubtedly take upon them in a heart beat if possible. This is where the teaching of The Savior's Atonement is so precious in our lives... because he has taken these pains upon him already.
I thank you for the ability to allow my personally therapeutic comments be a part of YOUR therapeutic blog.
Lore I am Melissa...you helped your sister take my pictures.
I have only one comment...
Why is it that any negative comment is left by an anonymous blogger? I find that very interesting that they don't have the GUTS to show who they really are.
No one is in your shoes but you! If you make mistakes they are yours! Everyone else needs to worry about their lives and not what is on your blog.
YOU GO GIRL
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